Wednesday, February 2, 2011
No Go on a Paying Job
I haven't heard from my homeless brother yet. Either he is dead, banned from the library, arrested, or walking...or he doesn't want to take me up on the writing offer. It's probably the latter, I'm afraid. This is what happens with the typical homeless person. I'm not being mean - I'm just telling you like it is in general. My brother is incapable of being accountable. Part of me knows that the thought of him writing in order to earn money is a thought too unbearable to him. It would make him feel beholden to someone's rule. It's the same with his meds. That's why he goes off his meds. He doesn't want to 'be controlled' by it. Even though it produces acceptable...even admirable behavior, he won't do it in the name of being 'free'. When, in fact, he does not know that he is enslaved to his demons - laziness and apathy. His schizophrenia and bipolar conditions are huge gateways for these demons to feast and control him - and they do - but he feels free. Go figure. The thought of him having to produce something in order to receive money from me - his little sister, is too daunting and suspect. He will never do it. But I had to try. I want to know about his life!
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2 comments:
Crazy thought (pun intended)... but maybe it's because you judge him so much. I'm not sure I'd want to work for someone who calls me lazy and apathetic. I'm sure you have reason to be angry with him... I'm not downplaying your right to your feelings... but consider your underlying intentions. You want to know about his life, you like the idea of charity, but it sounds like you're coming from a place of deep resentment. We all want to be good people, but part of that is acknowledging our limitations.
For what it's worth, I've heard that the drugs that treat schizophrenia can have very difficult side effects. He might feel that he has to choose between two terrible options.
I also wonder if you're pushing the blog over simply communicating one-on-one with your brother because you need that space between the two of you. Your brother is writing very publicly about what seems so personal. He is talking to you about memories from childhood. Maybe he resents being paid to write publicly about things that are so personal. I have no idea. I just think that's possible.
I write all this because I think there's a reason you put your thoughts out into cyberspace. I think maybe you want someone to come along and give a sincere thought or two. I don't mean to invade on your personal space... I feel like people make blogs public for a reason, but I could be wrong.
Best of luck.
Gosh, ur right. I don't want to be judgmental but I am. I know I have a lot of baggage, resentment and anger a/b living with not only 1 but 2 people with schizophrenia. I want to help but don't feel safe around him - and he continues to run distinct patterns of going off meds, going to the streets, begging for money, sending crazy emails to a bunch of us, and asking for money via email. It might be his cry for help. I thought maybe he didnt like begging - and he is good on a computer - so I thought I could help him become self-sufficient. He is a very high functioning person when he is medicated, and he is getting old, so i was hoping to help - i guess - enable his need for money AND to remain unmedicated. Your thoughts are appreciated even though they are hard to swallow. I appreciate them. Especially if you know what it is like to live personally with this disease. Do you?
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