Too Small A Thing

I am doing a prayerful fast today. It just came to me this morning that I have done one for a while and it was starting to feel like a disconnect was happening on some internal level. And that was that. That is all that was needed. I do not want a disconnect on any level with Jesus and the mysterious way learning comes about through prayer, fast and worship. So, I prayed for His guidance and wisdom in my day of being immersed in his word, that with every pang of hunger that he would fill me with his word and that I would learn and be filled.

At my first pang of hunger I grabbed my prayer pad (a little note pad where I keep my daily prayers, any scripture passages that resonate, and any notes on connections made that interface scripture with life). It’s always with me. I opened it. The first thing I wrote in my note pad a long time ago was, “Isaiah 49 my passage of revelation”. I never wrote out the passage because it was too long, but it is a passage that was one of the first and only passages that was a turning point for me – a mile stone – a marker - a river – a Jordan.

After I read this passage some 6 or 7 years ago, my life was never the same. And I could go on and on about what happened that day when I read it, etc. But that’s not the point of this writing. The point of this writing is to note that today was the first time I saw myself in the narrative. I saw the entire passage as a map of me, and I saw where I jumped off, where I quit it…where I left the narrative when life got too hard, and how I stopped short of the blessing to come – and how I could use the passage again as a map and stay on it understanding that God has my back and the goal of doing hard things is God - -

Within the passage it says in first person (like it’s me talking): “I have labored to no purpose. I have spent my strength in vain and for nothing.” As a mom, as a primary caregiver for my family, I can’t tell you how many times I feel like, “What am I doing this for?” Everything I do seems so under-appreciated and taken for granted. I often feel like escaping back in a traditional working career where ‘real’ thinking and ‘real’ contribution take place, and not be removed from society in this little bubble, working from a bedroom-converted-to-office in between my ‘chores’ as a mother, wife and friend. You know? Serving everyone in this house all the time, and getting no thanks, can really suck.

What’s more, this part of the passage is what made all my work at that church (anonymous for you readers) feel like it was for naught. After all, I didn’t make any real headway towards changing their “island / silo” habits. They all remained islands. My influence did not seem to make a difference in their ability to repent – and in fact, in many ways, from a distance, they still appear to be operating as islands. So what was my work there really for?

And that’s where I left the narrative. I quit when I felt like I was defeated. But I didn’t see that had I just read and meditated on the next line of this passage during my weakest point in that church, I would have realized God was in control…and He wasn’t done. I would have realized that I may have been giving up on Him.

The next line says, “Yet what is due me is in the Lord’s hand, and my reward is with God.” So simple. One of those lines we all skim over. But what I didn’t realize then - - that I now see - - is when we feel like our work is futile, and we get sick of it, just want to quit; I need to remember and really embrace that what I am doing is not for me. God is training me for something and I need to look to the prize – beyond my own need to feel important, accomplished, appreciated. The work is for God, not for me.

I need to have faith that at some point I will be “honored in the eyes of the Lord” when I realize fully that “my God has been my strength.”

Back 6 or 7 years ago, I didn’t see. I didn’t see the encouragement, the certainty or the prize…I just saw the islands and I let my anger blind me to the promise. I compare then with now feeling like I am in a rut: I see now that I may feel like my work was/is all for naught, like I was/am not doing anything with my life, like I was/am not contributing to anything significant, like my work was/is toil and produces nothing…but I see now that I am and was looking at self…

I was looking for work to satisfy me, to meet my ends, to attain my goal, to make me satisfied. I see now, that back then, God gave me a really hard task and I quit because I wasn’t happy; rather than realizing I was doing something for Him…He gave me a job and asked me the favor of being me in the job, and when it got too hard on me – for my own selfish desire – I left.

I see that what God has me doing right now might not feel like what I want to do – might be work that isn’t matched with what I think my talent is – might be tedious, might be too hard physically, but I see now – really see that God is not only asking me to do it, but empowering me to do it. I see now that the goal is THAT I AM DOING IT FOR GOD. THAT GOD IS THE GOAL. And He will bless me with more to do…more to take on… once he has seen that the job he has given me is too small for me. Because the passage continues by showing what happens after I fully invest my feeling of gratification ALL IN pleasing God…doing it for God…the map continues and shows that when I complete this task, God will say something like, “It is too small a thing for you. I will also make you a … (fill in the blank).”

In other words: He will pile it on as I go. He will give me more as I complete the portion I have.